VOLDYPOO!
by Belladonna Dwale
Summary: Harry gets kidnapped by Voldemort. It will give you nightmares for weeks... Spoilers (books 1-4) *UNCOMPLETED*
1. The Chapter in Which Harry is Kidnapped ...

**VOLDY-POO!**

By Belladonna Dwale

**DISCLAIMER: **Harry Potter and all other characters (except for Blanche, a product of my sick mind) are owned by J.K. Rowling (and I guess Warner Bros. now because of the movie). They don't belong to me so please don't sue me. Well, you can, but you won't get much. Maybe my sisters... Yeah, you can have them.

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Harry came to and looked around. He saw that he was in a dark room standing right over him was none other than Voldemort. The scar on Harry's forehead was hurting like hell and he began to struggle, only to realize that he was tied down.

Voldemort smiled, although it looked more like a grimace of pain. "Struggle all you like, Potter. The more you struggle the tighter your ropes will become."

Harry stopped, the ropes were cutting into his skin and he glared up at Voldemort. "Why do you hate me?" he asked, rather randomly. "I mean, why do you want me dead?"

Voldemort frowned. "It's very complex. The most obvious reason is that you survived when I tried to kill you, on several different occasions. Therefore, you have tarnished my reputation. Another is that you are the descendent of Godric Gryffindor and are his heir, the same way I am the Heir of Slytherin." Voldemort paused and continued, "And finally, I liked your mother..."

Harry's eyes widened at the last reason. "YOU WHAT?" he asked, practically yelling.

Voldemort sighed and nodded, "It's true. I _liked_ a Mudblood." (Harry's eyes narrowed here.) Voldemort went on, "I _loved a Mudblood_. I would have done anything for her! I wanted her! I needed her! Oh baby! Oh baby! But, sadly, she was in love with that BLASTED POTTER! YOUR FATHER! Therefore, I had to settle for someone else. I suppose it was for the better, it would look rather bad to be running around killing Muggles and Mudbloods when your wife is one in the first place. Well, I told her the night she died, it was foolish for her to protect you. I would have let her sit at my side, well, as my wife but she refused, so I -"

"OF COURSE SHE'D REFUSE YOU!" Harry roared. "YOU LOOK LIKE A SNAKE! YOU'RE SO UGLY THAT IF THERE WERE A MIRROR WITHIN A FIVE KILOMETER RADIUS IT WOULD SHATTER!"

"YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO ME IN THAT TONE!" Voldemort retorted. "_As I was saying_, your mother refused so I had to kill her to get to you. THEN YOU WERE MY DOWNFALL! BUT NOT TONIGHT MY BOY! TONIGHT YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" With that said, Voldemort pulled out a large dagger and smiled evilly (which still looked like a grimace of pain). He was about to stab Harry in the heart when all of a sudden...

"VOLDY-POO! DAHLIN'! WHAT ARE YAH DOIN'?!" said an American woman (who had a Southern drawl) who had just stepped into the room. Harry could tell that she was about Sirius' age. She had blond hair, freckles and violet eyes. She had a very commanding air around her.

Voldemort looked rather mortified. "Uh, o-one moment please. I'm rather busy. Y-y-you know, Evil Overlord business and all," he stammered out.

"Whadda yah mean, 'Evil Overlahd business?'" she asked. "Sugah, killin' a lil boy ain't exactly what Ah'd call 'Evil Ovahlord business.' Yah know Ah've always wanted a son but yah just have ta have yah 'Evil Ovahlahd business,'"

"Blanche dear, there's no need to bring that up," he replied looking rather strained.

Harry would have laughed at the whole situation if Voldemort still weren't about to kill him, so he snorted a bit instead.

Blanche looked down at Harry and smiled. "Don't yah worry 'bout nothin', dahlin'," she said.

Harry thought Blanche looked like she'd gotten hit over the head by a bludger. He forced a smile, though.

Blanche sat down next to Harry and stroked his hair. Harry fought back an urge to scream and forced a smile.

"Ah think we should adopt 'im an' raise 'im as our son," Blanche said. She continued playing with Harry's hair.

Voldemort looked horrified by the suggestion. "But, Blanche, he's my arch-nemesis! We can't adopt him! It'll make me look bad!"

Harry could see that Blanche could care less. The Southern belle grabbed the dagger from Voldemort and cut Harry's ropes. Harry struggled to sit up but Blanch forced him back down.

"LIE DOWN, DAHLIN'," Blanche said. She began rubbing Harry's right arm – which had a bunch of rope burns on it. Harry cringed. He could tell that Blanch had been cooking with a bunch of spices because the wounds she touched began to burn.

Harry looked up at Blanche and said rather nervously, "I – uh – have to go... there's this thing I – uh – forgot to do so now I have to do it."

Blanche looked horrified. "Oh no, dahlin', you ain't goin' nowhere. You just lie back down an' rest yaw pretty head. Mamma Blanche is gonna make yah bettah in no taym. Lemme go get tha Neosporin an' som bandaids." With that said Blanche glided out of the room.

Harry sat up and looked at Voldemort, who looked rather miserable. Harry arched his eyes and said, "So she was your second choice?"

Voldemort looked down at the floor. "Actually she was about my last. I picked her up when I was visiting the States. I was driving around and she was hitchhiking. So I gave her a ride... I never knew it would end this way."

Harry nodded. For a second he almost felt sorry for Voldemort. _Almost_.

A shout came from the other room. "VOLDY-POO! AH CAN'T GET THE NEOSPORIN! CAN YAH COME IN AN' HELP ME, DAHLIN'?"

Voldemort sighed and slowly left the room. As soon as he left, Harry ran to the window and opened it. He saw he was only on the first floor of the old Riddle House. Harry glanced over his shoulder, crawled out the window and ran as fast as he could...

FIN!


	2. Back at Hogwarts

VOLDY-POO!

By Belladonna Dwale

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me except Blanch whose name I owe to my friend, "Moony." Although, I'd like to own Sirius Black, his flying motorcycle and his leather pants that I imagine he would wear (I'll take him out for walks! I promise). JK Rowling is the rightful owner of him (damn) and a bunch of other publishing companies as well as Warner Bros for making the movie. If you sue me all you will get is my sisters who can be annoying as hell (or if your this one guy in Hungary, as annoying as having a wedgie when you're wearing a large coat). Also, before I go on, did you ever notice how Sirius happens to know everybody? (Rita Skeeter, Mad Eye Moody, Lupin, Snape, etc.)

Harry made it back to Hogwarts by taking the Knight Bus. He soon found himself inside the headmaster's office sitting in a chair in front of Professor Dumbledore's desk. Behind him was Sirius, still a convicted criminal, who had Harry's shoulders in a death-like grip. Professor Dumbledore was very calm.

"Please tell us everything that happened Harry," said the sage (yet somewhat batty) old man.

"Well," Harry began, "I think I got hit over the head, I can't quite remember but when I woke up and looked around I saw that I was tied down and Voldemort was standing over me and he was about to kill me but then this woman, Blanch, came in. She said she wanted to adopt me because Voldemort couldn't have kids. She was really annoying. I think she was American."

Sirius frowned and said, "I knew Blanch."

Harry stared up at Sirius. "You did?"

Sirius nodded and continued, "I met her when I was in Azkaban. They put her in a high security cell. You know how most people go insane while they're at Azkaban? Well, Blanch didn't. It was strange, like she was immune to the guards. She walked around in her cell and named the rocks though, that's what I found odd about her. Her cheerfulness. Did you know that my cell floor had 2,145 stones? Her cell was a bit bigger than mine and she named all the stones on the floor. I'd say hers had about 3,000 stones. Of course her stones were called 'Sunshine", 'Raindrop', 'Cat', and things of that nature. So undoubtedly if she had adopted you, you would be called 'Fluffy.'"

A picture of the giant three-headed dog suddenly flashed into Harry's head. Harry turned pale and shook the thought out of his head.

Sirius looked down at Harry and asked quietly, "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, it's just..." Harry droned off.

"Well, perhaps, Harry, you should go to Madame Pomfrey before she has my head on a platter for letting you go so long without seeing her," said Professor Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eye. Harry got up and walked out quietly. As soon as he left Dumbledore turned to Sirius and said, "Now that Voldemort has Blanch with him we have a monster on our hands. We'll need to come up with a plan."

With that said Sirius scooted his chair closer to the desk and said, "What do you have in mind?"


	3. A Sirius Reflection

VOLDY-POO!

By Belladonna Dwale

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all the characters in the story (except for Blanch) don't belong to me. I owe their existence to the Great and Powerful J.K Rowling. Warner Bros. has some claim to them due to the movie. Please do not sue me. You will only get my sisters, which would suck. Thank you.

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I slowly pace around my cell. I shoot daggers at the guards with my pale eyes. According to my calculations I've been here for about five years. Five long years. I look outside my cell and see large snow banks. I've been keeping track of days on the wall of my cell and now I'd say it's about Christmas. I wonder how my godson is doing and hope that he's happy. I sigh. This is highly unlikely since I believe he's staying with his aunt and uncle.

Some cheerful chattering is heard in the cell next to me. In the cell the noise is coming from is a monster. The only way to describe her would be as an obnoxious American woman. She had bright red hair - which is now darker and very messy from neglect. Her face is covered in freckles and she has violet eyes. She's been sitting in her room counting all 3,000 stones on the floor for what seems to be the hundredth time. She's given names to all but one row - about 50. None of the rocks have the same name. I admit that I've counted all 2,145 stones in my cell floor but naming them is a completely different thing. This monster looks up at me.

"Watcha doin' sugah?" she asks me.

I growl somewhat annoyed, "Thinking, Blanch. It's called thinking. You ought to try it sometime."

"Wat ah ya' sayin' dahlin'? That Ah ain't nevah think nun?" Blanch asked.

I tried hard to figure out what she said before I replied that it seemed to me she didn't think at all.

"Well, dahlin', when Voldy-poo -"

"Who's 'Voldy-poo'?" I asked. I had a pretty good feeling about who "Voldy-poo" was.

"Why, nun othah than Lord Voldemort, dahlin'. As Ah waz sayin', why Voldy-poo dun told me that when he took ovah Englan' an' all he'd let me have my own army."

I arched my eyebrows, "Don't you mean the British Isles?"

"It's the same thing dahlin'. Ain't it?" Blanch asked.

I hardly felt like explaining the difference between England and the British Isles so I simply shrugged. By doing so I spared myself from listening to her foolish chatter.

"Any ways, In mah army Ah waz gonna have it full o' lil' cute, cuddly cridders only thay ain't gonna be so sweet an' all. Thay gonna be mawnsteh demon cridders an' attack all the people who ain't been takin' no likin' te mah Voldy-poo. An' then only peepul who support Voldy-poo will be layft... Mah army's even gonna take on Dumbledore. An' yah know wat? He's gonna DIE! JUST LIKE THE REST O' THAYM!"

I pulled away from the wall that separated our cells in horror faster than someone would pull their hand away from accidentally touching a hot skillet. As I had thought before - and always had thought - Blanch was a maniac. She was the poster child (or woman) for why things that were "groovy" in the '70s did things to your mind.

She turned back to her wall which she had completely covered in all sorts of "cute, cuddly cridders" now she was drawing fangs on them. The bunny rabbits, kittens, puppies, and other cuddly creatures were now beginning to look very demonic. She began drawing blood and dead people on the walls. I closed my eyes and sat on the floor hoping in vain to get the images out of my head.

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Sirius woke up covered in sweat and looked around the room and breathed a sigh of relief. He was in one of the many spare bedrooms at Hogwarts that Dumbledore let visitors stay in overnight. Sirius stood up, stretched and walked to the window. His pale eyes gazed up at the full moon. He closed his them and let himself be bathed in the moonlight. He looked down at the school grounds and thought, 'If Blanch does succeed in getting her army of "cute, cuddly cridders" then the whole world is doomed...' With a sigh he turned into a dog and headed for the Dungeon where he hoped to find someone who used to be his enemy - Severus Snape.


	4. Floofie? O_o

VOLDY-POO!

By Belladonna Dwale

Author's note: Thanks to Duckie for giving me the name Floofie and DS for Putney Lane. Thanks to Moony for the name Blanch. Yes, Gravesend, Kent is a real place. I found it in an 18-year-old out of date book called Beautiful Britain. No, I don't own any characters in the story except for Blanch and Floofie.

A black dog slowly walked down the stairway that lead to the dungeon. He paused at the foot of the stairs, not sure where to go. He stuck his head into the small room where the potions classes were held. There sitting at the desk was Professor Severus Snape. The dog quietly walked up to the man and sat at his feet. The professor didn't seem to notice he was busy rubbing his head and staring at his arm.

"Are you all right?"

The professor practically jumped from his chair. He glared at the man standing where the dog had been sitting -- the one he hadn't noticed. "Don't you ever do that to me again Sirius Black or it will be the last thing you ever do," He hissed at the intruder.

"Do what?"

"Sneak up on me, that's what. Anyway, you shouldn't be here like this. A student could come in and -"

Sirius interrupted, "It's the middle of the night! No one's going to be up!"

"Well, Black, it appears to me that you're up and so am I... I also recall that you and your friends had the habit of running amuck at this time of night..."

Sirius turned red from frustration. "Fine, then why don't we talk in your office. I assume you have one since you're a teacher," he hissed.

Snape turned white. "No, we can't do that."

"Why not?" Sirius asked.

"It's not something you should ask about," Snape hissed.

Sirius wasn't paying any attention. He turned around and headed to Snape's office.

"Black!" Snape hissed.

Sirius opened the door to Snape's office and started laughing.

A little white poodle with two little pink ribbons on each ear and another pink ribbon on it's tail scampered out of the office and up to Sirius and began jumping up and down yipping a bit. As it jumped up Sirius could see that it had a little pink collar with rhinestones on it and that it also had a pink heart shaped identification tag.

"I hardly think it's humorous, Black," came the voice from behind him.

Sirius snorted, "Snape, I can't believe you have a -- " he snickered " -- a poodle."

The Potions Master frowned at the fluffball, "I'm watching the blasted animal for Mundungus Fletcher."

Sirius grinned, "That's what they all say." He picked up the dog and read the name tag out loud:

Floofie Snape

13 Putney Lane

Gravesend

Kent

Snape turned red, "Fine, it is my dog but don't mock me Black. I can easily turn you over to the authorities."

Sirius shrugged and began patting Floofie's head. "You probably should keep an eye on Floofie."

"Why Black? Do you fancy Floofie?"

Sirius turned a brilliant shade of red. "No! It's Blanch! She wants to make armies of ... animals. You know, the ones women look at and say, 'Oh isn't that such a darling little thing?' I think Floofie might fall in that category." Sirius stared at Floofie. "You know, Floofie is a boy..."

"Really Black?" Snape replied sarcastically, "I didn't know that..."

"Well, why are his nails painted pink?"

Snape took Floofie from Sirius and rolled his eyes, "My five year old niece did it."

Sirius smirked. "I don't think pink is his color."

"What do you mean 'not his color'? Of course it's his bloody color."

Sirius shrugged, "Why not blue or green. After all you're the Slytherin -"

"HIS BLOODY COLOR IS PINK YOU BASTARD!" Snape roared.

The big black dog was sitting in front of Snape and Floofie where Sirius had been. Standing at the door was Draco Malfoy.

"Who are you yelling at, Professor?" asked the boy.

"None of your buisiness, Draco. Go back to bed."

"What's with the dogs?"

"GET BACK TO BED OR I'LL GIVE YOU A BLOODY DETENTION!"

Malfoy quickly turned and ran to bed


End file.
